Do women really need to be taught how to walk in high heels?

Last week, I attended an event where hairstylist extraordinaire and Pantene Pro-V Global Haircare Ambassador Sam McKnight taught Toronto’s fashion elite about the season’s hair trends. For those of you who need to know, (and let’s face it, you all need to know), they are: Long and Loose; Super Sleek; Retro; and Glowing Textures. It was an exquisite evening at the Hazelton Hotel, complete with a generous gift bag. What did I spy inside? A book called How to Walk in High Heels, by the femme-fantastique Camilla Morton.

What was this book all about? I perused it over Pusateri’s epicurian delights the next day and was shocked to discover it was no chick-lit book; it was an instruction manual for women on how to do everything.

Every day, we are confonted with fashion crimes and Miss Manners Misdemeanors, and these foul fashion plays must be brought to trial. Some women need to attend court sessions on style, grooming, and manners.

I find it hard to believe that this does not come naturally to all women. Who, for instance, is not prepared to meet the Queen at a moment’s notice? Who does not know that one should never leave the house in sweatpants? Who does not know how to fake her way through a discussion on current events? Who does not know how to get out of a car in a short skirt? Who does not know how to choose the perfect mood music? Who does not know the importance of weekly manicures and pedicures? Who does not know how to blow an egg?

Unfortunately, there are women who do not know these lifestyle lessons and How to Walk in High Heels is for them, but it is just the start. Every woman should read The Little Black Book of Style by Nina Garcia, Style A to Zoe by stylist to the stars Rachel Zoe, and The Fabulous Girl’s Guide to Decorum by Torontonians Kim Izzo and Ceri Marsh. Not to be missed are Victoria Beckham’s That Extra Half an Inch: Hair, Heels and Everything in Between and of course, Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style.

After reading these, the stylish woman should always think, “What Would Tim Gunn Do?”, but she would never be tempted to wear a t-shirt emlazoned with “WWTGD?”. If that temptation exists, the world is ready for Sophisticate Yourself by Lucinda McRuvy. Here is a literary amuse-bouche for what I would write in my book on sophistication.

Lucinda’s List: How to Sophisticate Yourself

1. Attend a cultural event at least once a week.
2. Watch every single Audrey Hepburn movie ever made.
3. Sip champagne (or prosecco).
4. Wear gloves (wrist-length for day, opera-length for evening).
5. Read a newspaper at least once a week (Weekend editions are best because they have the best fashion sections).
6. Refine your posture. If your shoulders are slumped, take a poise class.
7. Get a new haircut.
8. If you can’t achieve the level of sophistication you want, just fake it with the perfect pair of sunglasses. People can’t tell that you’re hiding an empty head behind those shades.
9. Wear a hat. Warning: this is only for the bold. If you feel you aren’t ready for this step, practice at home.
10. Call everybody, “Sugarbee”. That way you never have to remember names.