I knew I was a good reporter, but I didn’t realize I was so good that I uncovered valuable information proving that the fabled Fashion Mafia actually exists.

Stories about the nefarious, top-secret gang circulated among the fashionable crowd ever since French couturiers draped Marie Antoinette in nothing but the creme de la creme of garments. They created and monitored The Great Fashion Laws to ensure that nobody wore the same fabric as the royals and that everybody in the land dressed well.

Over the years, the original record of The Great Fashion Laws was lost, so they have been diluted to where we are now this century: almost no control over fashion rules and regulations. This has been demonstrated by the appearance of fashion crimes such as thongs peeking over low rise jeans, “muffin top”, Visible Panty Line, and sheer blouses in the workplace.

Many fashionistas believe this secret sect is dead, while others claim it does exist, sets the trends, and controls 90% of the fashion wealth (they never bother independent designers). It is said these members have “Shop ‘Til You Drop” tattooed on their forearms and brands they control tattooed on their lower backs. I always thought it was a fashion fable, but oh no. They are real. And they are scary. And very, very stylish (Despite the lower back tattoos. Those have never been stylish or sophisticated).

Under the strictest confidentiality, I followed directions to various Los Vegas checkpoints and ended up meeting a mafia maven in the middle of the Nevada desert today. She had a severe bob, dark sunglasses, and the sharpest black suit I’ve ever seen. Armani, of course. Two seasons from now. That’s what I call power (of which I will admit to a significant amount of ugly envy). Then I saw the tell-tale tattoos with my own eyes and understood what I was doing. I was uncovering the Holy Grail of Fashion.