This note arrived, along with an elegant platinum chain and ruby-encrusted bullet charms.

“Happiness is a warm gun, Lucinda. You know you are meant to put the world’s fashion victims out of their misery. Join us…”

Muffin top is truly a heinous crime against humanity, but can I really advocate corporal punishment for an incorrectly proportioned pant?

If the Fashion Mafia want to recruit me so badly, perhaps I could convince them to relax their commitment to killing.