Wow! I didn’t know I had fans in Nigeria! How cool is that? After receiving this e-mail, I’m thinking about expanding there.

DEAR FRIEND,
I KNOW THAT THIS MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE. I AM MRS CHERISH AROUNA. THE MANAGER OF SPECIALTY BOUTIQUE IN NIGERIA, AFRICA. I WRITE BECAUSE OF YOUR MOST BRILLIANT AND BEATUIFL INTERNET WEB SITE FILLED WITH HAPPY GLORIUS CLOTHING DESIGNS. PLEASE. WILL YOU DO ME THE HONOR OF SELLING THESE UPLIFTING CLOTHINGS AT MY STORES. URGENTLY I DO REQUIRE YOUR MODELS AND STYLES OF THESE BEATUIFL CLOTHINGS SO I CAN SELL THEM TO YOUR NIGERIAN ADMIRERS. PLEAS. KNOW THERE ARE MANY. SO DO I REQUIRE YOUR GLORY CLOTHING WITH EXTREME URGENCY. UPON RECEIPT OF YOUR CLOTHINGS, I WILL INDEED SELL THEM FOR MUCH, MUCH MONIES. IN SUBSEQUENT DISBURSEMENT OF THE MONEY,WE AGREE THAT 35% OF THIS MONEY WILL BE FOR YOU INRESPECT OF THE PROVISION YOU MADE BY SENDING THESE WONDERFUL CLOTHINGS AND 55%WOULD BE FOR ME AND MY COLLEAGUES.

IF YOU AGREE TO HANDLE THIS BUSINESS WITH ME.

CONTACT: kotobo_yuma@voila.fr  WITH YOUR; 1. NAME IN FULL: 2. ADDRESS: 3. NATIONALITY:
4. AGE: 5. SEX:  6. OCCUPATION: 7. MARITAL STATUS: 8. PHONE: 9. FAX:

BEST REGARD,
Mrs. Cherish

While I do believe fashion is a window to one’s soul and trends are around for good reason (they do reflect our social, economic, and political times, of course), I do not believe one should always follow all the trends. Some are too terrible to even imagine.

Alas, some people have indeed imagined the following trends. These are the ones you absolutely must avoid in order to maintain one’s status on best-dressed lists and ensure invitations keep flowing into your mailbox.

Yes, Dear Reader, this is the list you have been anxiously awaiting.
Lucinda’s List: Trends to Avoid in 2009

1. Grunge Grime – Did the fashion world not say goodbye to Grunge when Marc Jacobs pushed it onto the runway? Plaid is only acceptable in England and New York’s Upper East Side.
2. Nesting Festing – Sure, people are saving money and staying in to entertain, but it is no reason to hibernate. Go out to the latest resto or bar.
3. Sheer  Scare – See-through fabrics flowed down the Spring/Summer runways, but only the thinnest of the thin should test out this look; it is ripe for fashion disaster.
4. Doom Gloom – Everyone is talking about the R-word and wearing dour greys and conservative ensembles. In a time of economic hardship, we should be spending money on shiny, glamorous accessories, not boring basics.
5. Bedazzle Razzle – Expect collars, belts, bracelets, sleeves, necklaces, pockets, hems, and even laptops and cellphones to be encrusted with jewels. While this can be sophisticated, it can quickly turn to deflated. Be very careful with the sparkle.
6. Midriff Madness – Britney is coming back and so is her midriff, after only a few mere seasons of tasteful cover-up. Please, keep it covered up.
7. Fairy Tales – Tinkerbell seems to be the rage, but that is for your pre-teen niece, not the sophisticated gal. Do not be tempted by flowing dresses with glitter or butterfly prints.
8. Denim Dilemmas – From Katie’s pegged pants to rips on runways, denim in 2009 is doomed to disaster.
9. Dressing Down – While I am looking forward to lounging luxuriously in 2009, I am not looking forward to the trickle-down effect and what it will do for streetwear. Are kids these days destined to wear velour tracksuits and ugly footwear forever?
10. Ruffle Kerfuffle – One ruffle can be elegant. Two may be alluring. Any more and you begin to look like a pastry. A few too many tiered skirts have shown up on the red carpet already, and admittedly, the tiers are tired.

I keep forgetting I’m on facebook and twitter. I think I need more friends. Everyone else has hundreds and I want to tell everyone about my line, Velocity. Maybe I should remember to post stuff more often. That way I’ll be able to get invitations on time. I missed a couple good parties because I didn’t check. I’m not going to miss the fundraiser for the Ryerson Fashion Communications grad show, though. Nope. Now that I’m an entrepreneur, I have to give back to my school. Plus, I like to see what the new grads are up to.

Sigh…fashion school. Those were the days…

A note on my dining room table indicated that I had a stealthy visitor last night. I suspect it had to be Mitzuki Honda, the quietest, but most lethal member of the Fashion Mafia. The note read:

Dearest Lucinda:
We notice you did not wear one of your new gifts yesterday. Due to your successful missions, you have proven yourself worthy to wear the world’s most desirable fashions, so why stick with Canadian? Time to polish up your image to our standards, Darling. Would you be a dear and write a feature article on _______________  _______________ [Editor's note: This is the same nameless designer who made the risky business transaction on Tuesday. Her identity must be protected at all costs.]? Please tell your readers that only the most sophisticated brides wear her gowns and they must use her new bridal planning service. She has been such a loyal client of ours, we have allowed her to expand her business. You will help promote this.

That’s not a bad assignment at all. I like this designer and would be happy to write a Sophisticated City column about weddings. It will have to wait until next week, though, since I must complete my yearly top ten lists. They are invaluable to my readers and their annual wardrobes.

Basher called extremely late tonight and asked how I like the lingerie he gave me. I do believe he was trying to instigate phone sex, but he knows I would never participate in anything so crass, especially when we aren’t officially together. And does he not remember how much I value my beauty sleep?

I did the sophisticated thing and hung up on him.

Okay, it’s kinda cheesy and America’s Next Top Model is totally gone completely nutso and not really about modeling at all anymore, but Sandee is absolutely perfect for Canada’s Next Top Model. She and I are destined to be stars! Only I can’t apply for CNTM; I’m totally too short. But Sandee’s tall, thin, gorgeous, and LOOKS like a model. They always complain about how the girls always look like they came straight from a mall. Anyway, Sandee’s going to the Toronto auditions on January 23 at Fairview Mall. Ha Ha! That is pretty funny that they critique the mall girls when that’s where they find them.

Madame Rouge stopped by my Yorkville condominium to pick up yesterday’s package. As a reward for my successful mission, she exchanged the money-filled purse with seven new outfits, all from the best designers in the world.

I must say I do not mind being involved with the Fashion Mafia at all.

I sent Vivian a bunch of documents all about me so she can write a press release or whatever she has to do. i sent stuff like my bio, the Velocity vision, this season’s inspiration, my resume, my Project Runway Canada application, a list of my favourite things, my trend predictions for the next 5 years, and a letter of recommendation from my mom.

Vivian said that it was no wonder I didn’t get any press yet because my writing is terrible and I don’t know how to edit. I told her that’s why I have a PR agent (it felt so cool and professional to say that).

Then she told me some super-exciting news: a magazine wants to use some of my clothes for an editorial!

It’s not exactly Vogue, but DragQueenazine sounds like it would have a creative fashion editor and photographer. Plus, those drag queens seem to love me. I think it’ll be fun.

There’s a slight problem, though. My contractor hasn’t finished everything and I went and sent all my samples to Sully in New York. Hopefully he’s had enough time to look them over and decide he wants to carry my line in his stores all across the States…

So, I finally get to see who beat me in the Project Runway Canada auditions. I still don’t know why I didn’t make it on. I’m perfect for the show. But I do have to say that I know Jason Meyers and Jessica Biffi and they both are kind of great designers. Jessica always won all sorts of awards at school and her final collection was completely insanely creative.

Even though I’m mad at the show, I can’t wait to watch, even if it was filmed in Ottawa.

Never would I have guessed who met me in the screening of “Bride Wars” today. It was one of Canada’s most successful bridal designers. My jaw must have dropped, I was so shocked to learn she was mixed up in this mafia business.

She sat next to me and slid one of her beautiful special occasion satchels under my seat.

“What is it?” I asked.

“You’re my contact and you don’t even know why you’re here?” she asked back, incredulously. “Don’t you know about the arrangement?”

I gave her a blank look.

“Geez..” she muttered. “I pay the amount they request and they don’t even train you? What a rip-off. Well, since the sound is so loud in here are the lights are off, I guess I can fill you in without any worry of bugs tracing our conversation. Okay, here’s the story…wow…I still can’t believe you don’t know this…There’s no way to break it to you gently, so I’ll come right out and say it. Every single Canadian fashion designer who has achieved any international success has done it with the help of the Fashion Mafia. We pay them a protection and promotion fee and they help us. Only a few of us can afford it, but it’s worth it.”

My whole world was turning around. I was proud of Canadian designers who were international darlings. They did it because they were brilliant designers and their hard work. Didn’t they?

She read my mind. “Oh, it’s not just about being able to pay. We also have to prove our worthiness to the Fashion Mafia. Remember a few years ago when I had breast cancer and missed a season? Well, it wasn’t breast cancer; I was in training. Now here I am, a successful international bridal designer. Sure, I might have to do some questionable things every now and then and the fee is steep, but it’s worth it. Look on screen. There’s one of my dresses.”

I looked up and sure enough, it was one of her signature designs on Kate Hudson. That kind of exposure is invaluable. Any questionable actions were worth the investment indeed. The mission wasn’t so bad after all.