Aw, man! I just went to the fabric store to get all the sparkly tulle I need to give to the contractor, but they’re all out! Now I have to go to every fabric store in the city to see if they have my tulle!

This note arrived, along with an elegant platinum chain and ruby-encrusted bullet charms.

“Happiness is a warm gun, Lucinda. You know you are meant to put the world’s fashion victims out of their misery. Join us…”

Muffin top is truly a heinous crime against humanity, but can I really advocate corporal punishment for an incorrectly proportioned pant?

If the Fashion Mafia want to recruit me so badly, perhaps I could convince them to relax their commitment to killing.

Okay, so after weeks of looking around all of Toronto, I finally found a contractor to sew my collection. The bummer part of it is that it’s so far north that it took me 3 hours to get there on the bus! That’s like a whole day gone, just from travel! But so many of them have minimum runs of, like, 100 garments that I thought I’d never find someone to do all the sewing. I’d do it myself, but my Dad says I need to get another job.

Anyway, this guy says that he’ll do 5 in each size. That’s reasonable. Even though Bye! ordered one of each size, I know I’ll be able to sell the rest on my own. When I do, Dad won’t be able to harass me anymore!

Every social column pointed a finger at me for not wearing a Canadian designer at Fashion sCares. It is my trademark to wear Canadian, but I was tempted by Dior. Who would not be swayed?

I spent the remainder of my weekend reviewing the Fashion Mafia Commandments, pondering their implications.

5.     Remember the Fashion Weeks and keep them holy. For six days you shall report trends, construction, colour palettes, and VIP attendees. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to your Fashion Gods; you shall not do any work – you, your colleagues, and your assistants shall all have brunch and drink champagne.

This is obvious. I plan my year around Fashion Weeks and celebrate their conclusions in an appropriate manner.

6.     Honour your trend forecasters so that your style may be long in the social pages of international publications.

I dutifully study trend forecasts so I am well prepared for journalistic duties and have a perfectly planned wardrobe. No wonder why I am being courted by the Fashion Mafia.

7.    You shall not wear the same shoes as your best friend if she purchased them first.

I cannot believe this had to be written. It is as though I was born into this elite fashion sisterhood.

8.    You shall be faithful to the world’s best designers, who, of course, are determined by us.

Given the weekend’s Galliano gift, I wonder if they are trying to tell me that my Canadian choices are not so chic after all.

9.    You shall not covet your colleague’s latest outfit; you can always find a better one for yourself.

There has never been a need for me to be jealous of another’s ensemble. I am always the best dressed.

10.    You shall murder if you require a fabulously luxurious fur coat or if you spot a heinous fashion crime such as (but not limited to):

• Muffin top
• White after Labour Day
• Sandals with socks
• Showing bra straps or underpants
• VPL
• Fun fur coats
• White socks outside the gym
• Unfortunately placed cut-outs
• Plumber’s butt
• Designer counterfeits presented as originals
• Over-accessorizing
• Under-accessorizing
• Christmas sweaters
• Leggings
• Cubic zirconias
• Uggs or Crocs
• Matching shoes and purse
• Unmatching shoes and purse
• Clothing sold on The Home Shopping Network.

So this is why I was sent a gold-plated, diamond-encrusted Gucci revolver.

I admit that at times I have indeed wanted to put people in jail for committing fashion crimes, but murder never entered my mind!  Is the Fashion Mafia for real? Is this serious or could it be some sort of joke?

Hey! The guys from SD+R have been quiet for the last little while and I’ve missed their totally rad rock ‘n roll fashion shows. But I heard that they’re looking for someone to represent their line and they’re doing it through a reality show called “Rockstar Supermodel” with MuchMusic. Casting was today, so I told Sandee about it. She’s totally a Rockstar Supermodel!

At an event last week, I was confronted with my own mortality. I entered the Jamieson’s Vitamin 360 launch and was surrounded by Baby-Boomer-Zoomers and their new Bible, Zoomer magazine, edited by the sparkling Suzanne Boyd.

With the elegant and beautiful Dayle Haddon hosting the evening and with talk of now being “A Mature Moment”, I suddenly looked forward to turning fifty. It may be fifteen years away for me, but it seems so sophisticated and graceful.

Being in the fashion and beauty industry for most of my adult life, I have been obsessed with retaining my youth, but now I can begin to accept that we all must celebrate birthdays and grow older. But that does not mean we have to accept wrinkles or age spots.

Yes, Dear Reader, it is time that I share my sophisticated secrets to anti-aging.

Lucinda’s List: Tips for Graceful Aging

1. Moisturize, Moisturize, Moisturize – Radiant Sharon Stone once said, “When I was 12, my mom told me to moisturize daily— and you should see her: no wrinkles at 74!” Listen to the smart Ms. Stone and Ms. Mother Stone.
2. You Get What You Pay For – Sure, you can get by with drugstore cosmetics, but nothing compares to RéVive’s Intensité Volumizing Serum at $600 per ounce.
3. Hydrate, Baby! – Nothing beats H, 2, and O for inside-and-out youthfulness.  Exotic imported waters in designer bottles show the world that you are serious about the liquid of life.
4. Sleep It Off – Stress, wrinkles, and years simply melt away with the right amount of rest.
5. Work It Out – Follow the lead of the Material Girl who does indeed look like a girl at 50. To protect your vessel, you must work out at least 3 hours per day.
6. Smile Style – Nothing makes you more youthful than a warm, wide smile.
7. Makeup Shakeup – Your skin revitalizes itself every 7 years, which means your colouring changes too. Out with the old makeup; in with the new.
8. Silver Fox Shocks – Nothing is more sophisticated or smacks of scholarly experience than a shock of silver hair. If you find grey strands, embrace them and make sure it is professionally maintained and polished.
9. Age Appropriate – David Livingstone pondered Age Appropriate dressing in the latest issue of Zoomer and I say that if you wore it during its first run as a fad, keep it in the closet and go for a frock that defines the New You.
10. Spa Awe – Regular appointments with your esthetician and masseuse will keep you young and glowing.

After my salon appointment to prepare for the Fashion Cares gala, a package was delivered to my home: a couture Christian Dior gown, courtesy of the Fashion Mafia.  It was from Spring 2006, the same season that Valerie Steele and I discussed over a month ago, and was a perfect gothic gown for a Hallowe’en themed masquerade.

It was the night’s highlight, but everyone asked me why I wasn’t wearing a Canadian designer. How could I when presented with such a work of perfection?

My exquisite dress aside, the night ran like a classic Hollywood movie script. Fashion Cares is back on top as North America’s biggest and best fashion show.

The return to the MTCC was much welcome, but the indoor venue didn’t appear to warm up any auction pocketbooks. Canadians certainly are slow to bid, even for worthy causes such as ACT.

Many guests possessed by the Hallowe’en spirit showed off outrageous ensembles with three-foot-high beehive hairdos and ten-inch heels, while others were disappointingly conservative, barely bringing creative ideas out of their closets. They should have at least made some effort to celebrate the occasion; it was Fashion Cares and Hallowe’en, after all.

For those who chose not to masquerade as a fashionable or ghoulish alter-ego, the chicest chose to dress in high formal attire. Kimberley Newport-Mimran looked stunning in an ivory gown worthy of one-time Hitchcock heroine Princess Grace. Holt Renfrew’s lovely Natalie Lecomte stole the night in a Greta Constantine skating dress, recently debuted on the Spring/Summer 09 runway. It was as short as a dress could be, and she pulled it off with sophisticated flair.

As for the fashion and entertainment extravaganza, hosted by a handsome David Furnish and a giddy Yasmin Warsame, it returned Fashion Cares to form with great performances.

Fritz Helder and The Phantoms opened act and their Tommy Ton-styled Damien Hirst and Fifth Element-inspired crystal skeleton bodysuits were a work of makeup and wardrobe magic. Fritz himself shone like the star he is, with his entire skull encrusted in crystals.  Disappointingly, the band shared the stage with a costume contest and an unfortunate applause-o-meter, causing contest winner confusion and awkward applause. Honestly, I’m still not sure who won, but my applause went to the fabulous Fritz Helder.

Katy Perry was extremely gracious in person before the show and looked stunning in a frothy yellow frock. Her performance was spirited, saucy, and altogether perfect for the Fashion Cares crowd. Kreesha Turner sizzled onstage in a Greta Constantine wide-legged unitard; I am happy to see Canadian musicians and designers working together.

Without a doubt, the evening’s class act was Dame Shirley Bassey, who earned a standing ovation for every number. What a classic voice and elegant act to end the show.

Fashion Cares returned with a fierce, fun vengeance, and I look forward to attending this marvellous masquerade ball for years to come.

Sandee and I always wanted to go to Fashion Cares, but it’s always been too expensive for us, so we came up with a plan: we’d dress up all crazy, act like models out for a smoke break, and go in through the back.

She talked me into wearing the tragic tornado dress and then talked up the security guard, saying that it was “the dress of the season” and shown on so many TV shows that it had to be in Fashion Cares. So it wasn’t really a lie…we just told him a story and he believed that we were supposed to be in the show. It totally worked! We’re brilliant!

Being backstage was so cool! I couldn’t believe how much work went into the hair, makeup, and clothes. Fashion Cares is the best thing ever! Best Makeup, best Hair, best Designers, best Singers, best Dancers…wow! Just wow! I’ve never seen a fashion show like it.  I’d love to participate someday - so many amazing designers contributed.

The only bad thing was when a crazy PR-chick started accusing me of stealing her drink. I had no idea what she was talking about, so I just tried to ignore her. Bad move. That just made her crazier! When I tried to get away, she grabbed someone else’s drink and dumped it on my shoes! Now I have Coke all over my favourite pair of 90’s vintage platforms. Pouring Coke on a great pair of shoes is totally unforgivable! I don’t know what I’ll do if I run into her again.

Bernie asked me to attend his annual Haute Hallowe’en Ball, which, of course, I had to attend. People would have talked if I was not there. He asked about the Fashion Mafia and I did not want to put him in danger of fashion exile, so I had to lie. I have never lied to Bernie before, but it was for his own good.

I told him that Basher showed up at my home, admitted to giving the gifts, and wanted me back. I don’t know if Bernie bought it, though, but I do not want him to get into trouble because of me. Even though I looked sophisticated dressed as Zelda Fitzgerald, I wasn’t as spirited. I left Bernie’s Ball early so I could continue reading the Fashion Mafia Commandments.

The Fourth Commandment states: You shall not make for yourself an outfit, whether in the form of anything that is in the most cutting-edge technical materials, or that is made from earth. Designing shall be left to those who do it best.

I obviously have no problem with that; I always wear only the best designers. This Fashion Mafia does not sound bad at all.

For tonight’s Hallowe’en, my friends decided that we should go to the Bovine to see the Vicious Guns, so I decided I should be tragic punk princess Nancy Spungen. Courtney Love totally copied her. I wanted to be the original punk groupie, so I found a totally gross blonde wig and just took out ripped jeans, striped shirt, and worn leather biker jacket out of my closet. I rocked the Nancy look! Maybe I should use Sid and Nancy as inspirations for my next collection.