Vivian told me she’s working on PR leads for me. Things like magazines and maybe some TV shows and stuff. She wants me to put together a press kit. As if I don’t have enough to do. But it’s a neat design challenge. How can I make a cool, eye-catching folder for cheap?

I processed my latest Fashion Mafia mission all weekend.

The glamorous model who delivered it Friday evening whispered in my ear, “Be at the AMC Tuesday afternoon for the 3:35 screening of ‘Bride Wars’ to pick up a package. Be discreet and bring your designer handgun. You never know when the Fashion Police might show up.”

“Fashion Police?” I asked.

“Yes, they’re a slight nuisance to our organization, but no more than pests, really. No need to worry.”

“What am I picking up and who am I meeting?”

“Is this your first mission?” she asked. “You certainly ask a lot of questions. You will soon learn that messengers do not have the answers you seek. We follow a chain of commands so no one person knows the true nature of the mission. And messengers always change. You will never see me again. We cannot have the Fashion Police, journalists, or wannabes like your little Fiona friend finding information about our organization. Your contact will find you at the theatre. That is all the knowledge you require.”

She stood up and left.

Now I sit in my Yorkville condominium contemplating what will happen tomorrow. Will I actually have to use a gun?

Yes, Dear Readers, this is what you have been waiting for: my top trends for 2009. Follow these and you are sure to be the sophisticate of your social circle.

Be sure to watch for next week’s list of least sophisticated trends of 2009.

Lucinda’s List: Sophisticated Trends to Welcome in 2009

1. Luxurious Lounging – Recessionistas may be staying in, but by no means should style suffer. You should channel Joan Crawford during her homemaker phase and be the “dearest” host when throwing your recession-themed parties. You can punch up forties fabulosity with modern twists such as nude lipstick and clear mascara. Try haute hoodies, palazzo pants in high-tech fabric, and long flowing dresses in digital prints. Just do not hang them on wire hangers.
2. Dandy Dressing – With movies such as “Sherlock Holmes” planned, Victorian is in and what better way to flaunt your style than with a statement coat? If you must only purchase one item per season, it simply must be an exquisite dress coat.
3. Decadent Draping –Cowl curves were on all the runways, so they will be on the streets and not just on necks. Bold draping will be statements seen on sleeves and hems.
4. Fine Frocks – The award season only just started and these elegant styles are dominating the red carpets, heralding a return to old-school glamour.
5. Barbie Bonanza – Fashion icon Barbara Millicent Roberts - commonly known as Barbie - turns fifty this year. Apart from a few fashion mishaps in the seventies, she has always been a model of style and sophistication and is sure to inspire many ensembles this year.
6. Fashionable Films – From “Confessions of a Shopaholic” to “The September Issue”, fashionistas will be dressing up for the theatre this year.
7. Smart Separates – Dresses have been hot for two seasons, but separates will heat up the runways, reflecting consumer desire to mix and match. This trend can either go very well or horribly wrong. We shall wait and see how it is interpreted on the street before making judgements.
8. Cupcake Colours – To fit into the latest trends, you cannot eat that cupcake, but you can certainly wear it in 2009. Or wear the scrumptious frosting colours. They will suit Summer and Winter, providing the fabric is right.
9. Muted Metallics – Shine is fine, especially when it takes an elegant twist into subtle territory. We may see more metallics, but with less glare, more will be less.
10. Black is the Same Black – It is a serious economy, so don’t ditch the black from your wardrobe just yet.

As I walked to Amber tonight to obtain information on my next top-secret fashion mafia assignment, I ran into Fiona. Actually, it was more like she ran into me. She wanted to accompany me to wherever I was going and buy me a drink. She said she wanted to make amends. She seemed sincere.

She was lying.

She wanted membership into the Fashion Mafia and would do anything to get it.

I had to throw her off my trail, but how? As I ran through options, I received a text message from Tracee Smithers:

We cannot have Fiona Newsome snooping around, so we set up a top-secret sample sale to throw her off track. She will receive details in a moment and you will continue to your destination.

Not a moment passed when Fiona received a text message. She checked it and said, “Ooops! We’ve got to reschedule this amends-making. Just got myself a hot date. Ta-ta!”

Well, I never! She received information about a sample sale and refused to dish the details? That is low. No wonder she is no longer my friend. Nevertheless, I was able to proceed to Amber.

I walked into the lounge and over to the bar, where I promptly ordered a bottle of Dom Peringon. The bartender eyed me up and down, then led me into a back room I did not know existed.

Sitting on a banquette was an extraordinarily beautiful, statuesque woman with a diamond-studded eyepatch. She was – no she wasn’t – wait, was it true? She was…

She beckoned me closer to her and handed me a glass of champagne.

Yes it was.

She was one of the original eighties glamazon supermodels. All leg, all attitude, all symmetry, but for the missing eye.

“Lucinda, darling,” she purred. “Come closer. I have something to tell you.”

I sat. I sipped. I listened. I had my assignment, though I did not know what to make of it.

Hearing all that stuff from Vivian got me all motivated, so I took a trip to the contractor and found something excellent! I’m all on track! There weren’t any mistakes and everything looked super-amazing.

Since that was all good, I figured it was safe to send my samples to Sully in New York. He said he works in the Barney’s buying department, but plans to launch his own line of boutiques all around the U.S, and is looking for fresh new talent. He was really well dressed in Cancun, wearing all sorts of designer labels, so he totally has money and really good taste.

Things are really gonna go well for me in 2009.

Oh dear. Lady Miss Angora was upset with my decision to bring Basher home last night. He always thought it was funny to threaten to turn my sweet little bunny rabbit into earmuffs, but she never found him particularly funny. She usually tolerates him, but today she was hostile and absolutely refused to get dressed up in her designer collar and have high tea at the Red Tea Box. We must work on those trust exercises recommended by Dr. Frumenta, Pet Psychiatrist.

While by myself at the adorable Red Tea Box nibbling on tasty treats, considering prose for my next Sophisticated City column, I felt a rush of air through the boîte. I was about to ask the wait staff why they turned up the air conditioning during the middle of winter when I noticed a neat note placed upon my green tea ganache:

Miss McRuvy:

You have proven yourself worthy after your first major mission. Unfortunately, we worry you are not dedicated to your ultimate modus operandi: assisting the Fashion Mafia with keeping Canadian fashion off the international radar. Your new assignment will be to prove your worthiness. Be at Amber. Order a bottle of Dom Peringon and wait for further instruction.

Could I have been visited by Mitzuki “Katana” Honda? Her speed, strength, smarts, and style are legendary, but how can it be possible to completely miss another human in one’s vicinity?

What will await me tomorrow?

Okay, so I just met with Vivian and she thinks my Fall/Winter 09 line is going to be the one that puts me on the map. She thinks my theme is “faboo”, whatever that means, and that my designs and preliminary samples are “super-supremo-wicked-awesomeness”.

She told me to have every sample done by February so she can take them to editors. How cool is that?

She’s so excited that she’s got me even more excited than ever.  That’s really, really exciting!

I do believe I discovered Toronto’s best-kept fashion design secret today.

Rosemarie Umetsu invited me to her elegant Avenue Road studio, where I was treated like the queen I was born to be. We wined, dined, discussed design, and determined my next wardrobe necessities.

Ms. Umetsu outfits the Canadian arts and culture A-list, so it was only natural that I was to be outfitted by the best. I adored her signature black and white pieces, all sophisticated, with a hint of whimsy.

What is exceptional about Rosemarie’s designs is she only makes a few pieces in each size, keeps her business ultra-exclusive, and notes who buys what. She is so on the pulse of her clientele, that she knows who will wear what to certain functions, eliminating the worry of anyone else stealing your style.

Her studio was my idea of a Parisian salon; a space breathing music, art, literature, and - of course - fashion. The sitting room itself was an exhibition of collaborative photography and paint. It was a project called Iconic Beauty, produced for the CONTACT Photography Festival. Photographs and painted portraits of twenty-four Canadian female artists wearing the designer’s best wrapped the walls. There I was, surrounded by the likes of opera singer Measha Brueggergosman, actress Wendy Crewson, dancer Veronica Tennant, singers Alannah Myles and Emilie-Claire Barlow, and director Deepa Mehta. Rosemarie informed me there would be another installment of Iconic Beauty for this year’s CONTACT festival, with a new roster of artists. The photographer behind the new circle of portraits? None other than up-and-comer Caitlin Cronenberg. I look forward to not only seeing the final work, but I do hope they think to include me in the project, for I am an elegant wordsmith and I do look smashing in Rosemarie’s clothing, if I do say so myself.

Oh, how I loved this shopping day! If only all retailers treated clients as well as Rosemarie Umetsu does.

Just got this e-mail from Vivian. Can’t wait for her to get me in all the magazines and make me a fashion star!

Heya, u talented beeyotch! How was sun and surf in Cancun? Hope all that vacationing is out of ur system b/c we’re gonna work hard. Read attached  proposal. Lets talk.

Bises,
Viv

PitchBitch PR
“When a man gives his opinion he’s a man. When a woman gives her opinion she’s a bitch.” - Bette Davis

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Of course Basher would choose a restaurant called “bite me“. I do believe he expected a Hooters-type place with his favourite Buffalo Wing meal, but exceptional chef Marc Thuet gave him a happy surprise. With a focus on local ingredients, chef Thuet excelled at heightening our tastebuds to an haute Canadian level.

During our fabulous dessert of tableside Crêpes Suzette, complete with Inniskillin’s exquisite 2003 Cabernet Franc Icewine, my ex-husband presented me with an array of lingerie!

Quelle surprise! And quelle horreur!

He made me open box after box of lingerie in public. I know everyone was staring; I will not be able to show my face on the King Street restaurant strip for a year. At least I did not see my dear colleague Shinan Govani at the restaurant. If the episode was reported in the National Post, it would absolutely be the death of me. I know people are curious about my relationship with Basher and the press love to cover it, but I would never be able to get over the public embarrassment of this episode.

But a good thing came of it: Basher actually gave me beautiful Canadian lingerie from Blush, Kenan, Arianne, Montelle, and Third Floor. During our marriage, Basher always tried to have me wear trashy lingerie, but I would never wear the cheap designs he found near Super-Sex in Montreal. Tonight was different.

Perhaps after all these years, he is finally understanding my sophisticated needs. Though it was rather tacky to give me lingerie in a public place, it was the most romantic thing Basher has ever done. I had no idea he wanted to get back together.